The corona virus is on its way, and with all the schools shutting down, we may as well let it be known that our world is ending. Although, with impending doom on its way, we should find out who can survive the longest. And I, Michelle Obama’s distant cousin, am here to help you do that.

Here are the top five ways to survive the kung flu–I mean coronavirus.

NUMBER FIVE, TRUST NOBODY.

That’s right! If you wish to survive the upcoming plague, you are going to have to abandon all of your friends. No exceptions, not even your favorite pet. People will try to make peace offerings with you, maybe attempt to trade clothes for food or something like that. Always make sure to stab them in the back, every single time. In this world, it’s eat or be eaten.

NUMBER FOUR, GET A BOAT.

Once you successfully dispose of everyone you ever knew, you’re going to need somewhere to go. That’s why you are going to take everything you own and store it on a boat. It doesn’t matter how you acquire this boat; the important part is that you get a hold of one. Next, you will want to set sail for the equator.  This is where you will be able to get a nice tan and relax as you disregard the fact that everyone you love is gone.

NUMBER THREE, BUILD A TIME MACHINE.

You’ll probably get bored while you’re on the boat, so you’ll most likely start reading some books. Such as books about quantum physics and wormholes. Eventually with enough valuable knowledge, you’ll find a way to brain blast into the space time continuum. Don’t ask me what a time machine looks like. I’m just the poor guy writing this article.

NUMBER TWO, INVEST IN APPLE.

Now go back in time and invest in Apple. Before you know it, you’ll be rich. It’s that simple! Now you can look down on the lower class and laugh as you sit upon your golden throne.

NUMBER ONE. BECOME A CHINESE DICTATOR

Now come on, this is probably the most simple one on the list. You have all the tools, just use your wit and charm and take over the entire country of China. Before you know it, you will have everyone bowing down at your feet.

Simply follow all of these steps, and you will certainly survive the coronavirus. It’s so straight forward! Anyone can do it, and if you can’t, then there’s obviously something wrong with you. Well good luck, have fun and stay safe.