If you are a child of more than nine brain cells and your wallet isn’t busting open at the seams with money, you are probably aware of the 99¢ 32oz. sodas offered at your local Essential One. For $1.06 with tax, you can bring yourself home a jumbo-sized cup, a cover, a straw and whatever delicious liquid you choose to fill it with. 

Here’s the question: What delicious liquid should you fill it with, though? 

I am going to walk you through your next $1 purchase and inform you of my opinions on what soda is king. In no particular order…

Coca-Cola:

Created in 1892, Coca-Cola originally contained cocaine. Did you know that? Have you ever heard that before? IS THAT A NEW FACT TO YOU? Anyways, Coca-Cola is the benchmark for which all sodas are measured. Its unique flavor of brown and the best of red are mixed together. Coke tastes like if vanilla was brown then became red. If you don’t like coke, your parents probably didn’t give you enough attention as a child, so you seek it out by faking opinions that you know will get you weird looks and attention. Overall rating: 8/10

Diet Coke: 

Diet Coke is the sugar-free, much less healthy alternative to regular Coke. It tastes very similar to Coke with just a hint more whale blood. Diet Coke is the drink of choice for Americans who are mildy overweight to morbidly obese becaue it has “Diet” in the name. Overall rating: 6/10

Sprite:

Sprite is the only soda you drank until middle school because your parents wouldn’t let you have caffeine. And that’s okay. Sprite has a vibe of being a regular soda’s little brother. The flavor does vaguely resemble a lime; I only ever drink Sprite when I am craving fizz, not any soda. Have you ever drank too much Sprite? It’s a taste you can never get rid of. Overall rating: 4/10

Fanta:

Fanta is a drink that tastes like the color it is. Despite the color, Fanta tastes nothing like a real orange because who would buy a soda that did? Overall rating: 5/10

Cherry Coke:

Cherry Coke was created in the early 1970s by gas station owners who would mix in cherry syrup with regular coke. Then in 1978, Coke began development of their own “Coca-Cola Cherry” and that is what we know and love today. Cherry Coke tastes the same as regular Coke except it sits on your tongue and tastes just a little bit longer. Overall, there is a fairly high likelihood that I will get Cherry Coke every time I pull in. Overall rating: 8/10

Dr. Pepper:

Cherry Coke with more BBQ. Overall rating: 7/10

Mug Root Beer:

Lake water. People like root beer because they couldn’t have any other sodas because every other soda has caffeine, and their parents wouldn’t let them have caffeine for fear of their own sanity. That is the only acceptable reason to like root beer. If you tell me that you are a fan of root beer for the flavor, you are wrong and you like drinking lake water. You’re probably the type who watches Bell Delphine religiously and drinks your way out of the family pond. Scum Scum Scum. Overall rating: 1/10

Mountain Dew:

If you had a single wish, and that wish was to find the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, except instead of gold, the pot was full of leprechaun urine, you would find out what Mountain Dew is really made of. They may claim it’s artificially flavored and that crap, but I know that Mtn. Dew is the piss of our little Irish friends. Bardle skeet–as it’s commonly called–is a drink that can power you through your 2am blitz in Raid Shadow Legends (not affiliated). Or it can juice you up after 250 miles at Daytona. Not to mention having the most BA commercials ever, from a Dale-Call to John Cena hallucinating watermelons. Mtn. Dew is commonly drunk by country folk, construction workers, businessmen, gamers, housewives and many more. If there was ever a drink that completely encompassed EVERYTHING, it’s the forbidden slime. So remember kids… Do the Dew.  Overall rating: 10/10

Pepsi:

Very similar to Coke. TBH, I can’t tell a difference between the two, but Coke is better because I said so. Overall rating: 7.9/10

Diet Pepsi:

Unlike Pepsi vs Coke, Diet Pepsi vs Diet Coke has a clear winner. Diet Coke. Diet Pepsi tastes like someone spilled argon in the test lab and nobody cleaned it before this stuff went into production. No matter how I drink it, I can’t shake the feeling that my children will have extra limbs. Overall rating: 3/10