Aries- Reflect on the past six months and pay close attention to the few things you have accomplished. This is your year and Monday the 24th is your day. It is finally time to finish the projects you have successfully put off for however long you have been procrastinating. This week get your stuff together and work baby work.

Taurus- Stepping away from something that’s been in your life for awhile is always a challenge. It’ll be easier if you focus on all the ways it’s ruining your life. Your progress and everything you’ve lost out on is a result of the massive waste of time sucking away your life source.

Gemini- You should focus on finding like-minded people this week. Because having a closed-minded opinion and only surround yourself with one way of thinking definitely expands your horizons. Pluto is now moving forward in your eighth house. This means that taboo or uncomfortable subjects are more likely to arise in conversations as the week closes. Basically, your week will be bad. So either suck it up buttercup or hide under your sheets from your demons in hopes to survive this week.

Cancer- An important project might be completed this week, resulting in praise from influential people. Revel in your glory, for you have done the impossible. Finish that one assignment (you know what I’m talking about). However, be sure to get back into work as soon as you can. Because humanity will always have some sort of stupid problem and they need your help. Great things are coming your way…if you get your lazy butt off the couch and work for it.

Leo- Trust in yourself more than anything in the upcoming weeks because like any crime boss in any movie always says, “If you want somethin’ done right, you gotta do it yourself.” Be wary of other people taking advantage of you, and remove them from your life completely if they do.

Virgo- Take this week to spend time on yourself. We both know you really need some me time. Find a way to create clarity within your mind. You could try meditation or make a happy place where you get unlimited breadsticks, play water polo with mermaids, and laugh maniacally at the panther your forcing to do your chores.  Use this clarity to decide between committing to decisions, or giving up on them altogether.

Libra- The full moon moves into Aries this week. For you, this means that you shouldn’t stop for anything. Not even that red light, or the pedestrian walking across the street, or even the cops screaming at you to pull over. Great opportunities are coming your way.

Scorpio- This week, you should focus on your passion projects. Do anything you need to advance as far as you can without harming others or their pets. Sorry this is so short; we couldn’t find anything juicy enough for your standards.

Sagittarius- Let your confidence drive you, but not into a ditch. Be sure to balance your professional and personal needs. If you pay too much attention to one, the other will likely fall out from beneath you — kind of like that trap door the magician uses to disappear in his act. As long as you heed this advice, your life should be fantastic.

Capricorn- Your dreams are going to come true this week. Except the subconscious empty void you feel in the deep pit of your heart. Focus your energy on manifesting your aspirations, and things will go your way. If you come across anybody that rubs you the wrong way, take them to court and sue them for personal harassment.

Aquarius- Any arguments that you’ve had could disappear this week if you’re willing to give up your ego, which is pretty unlikely because you are always right and everyone else is wrong. For you are a god among men and should be worshiped at all times. Be sure to take things slowly in your professional life, or you could suffer the consequences of rushing later on. But that is a problem for later you, sit back and watch the carnage that you accidentally created by telling the truth about whether that dress really makes her look fat.

Pisces- This week, luck will be on your side. Broken mirrors, black cats, and walking under ladders will not stop you. Until someone drops a full paint can on your head and knock you unconscious while simultaneously ruining your new all-white outfit. Create as many opportunities for yourself to get ahead as you can. If you have somebody causing problems in your life, then you should just cut them off.