Mystery Solved: Obama’s Last Name

Mystery Solved: Obamas Last Name

Luke Gunter, Conspiracy Theorist

For centuries, the human race has been plagued by many questions. What is the meaning of life? How was the universe created? Do we have a creator? Philosophers like Plato and Nietzsche have given their answers to these questions, but none of them could have prepared for the question that would mystify the minds of the 21st Century. The question in name: What is Obama’s last name?

Thankfully, we are not without hope. A few top minds, only those of pristine caliber, have given us theories. In this article, we will be reviewing this theory and choosing the most reasonable.

Firstly, we have the “Barack Theory.” The Barack Theory is what most of the public accepts. However, many of the information that is presented claims that his first name is “Barack.” But no one could believe that. We all know his first name is “Obama.” Concludingly, this theory holds no merit.

Next, we have the “II Theory.” The theory goes a little bit like this. Obama’s father also happened to have the same name as his son. So, to distinguish between the two, Obama 2 was given the letters “II” at the end of his name. You can confirm this yourself by searching “Who is Obama?” on Google.  The letters “II” will appear at the end of Obama. Although, a little credibility is lost because the website lists “Barack” in front of Obama.

This brings us to “The Double Obama.” Traditionally, when a man and a woman marry, the woman inherits the man’s last name. For example, if Bob Bob married Jessie Jessie, Jessie Jessie’s name would then become Jessie Bob. “What does this have to do with the last name of the 44th president?” you may ask. Well, my friend, in 1992, Obama married Michelle Robinson. Recently, everything from books, magazines, Google searches, and even interviews have claimed Michelle Robinson is now named Michelle Obama. Even the II in the II Theory could mean that Obama is present twice. Not only does this amazing theory claim Obama’s last name is also Obama, but it disproves the II Theory.

Finally, we have “Mr. President.” Multiple magazines and articles have referred to Obama as “Mr. President.” Does this mean that Obama’s last name is President? Well, no. Our first president was called “Mr.President,” also. However, we all know his full name to be George Washington. That could only mean that the people calling Mr.Washington Mr.President were lying. So, how could we know that they stopped lying? I dread this theory more than the “Barack Theory.” 

After compiling the most popular theories on the last name of our 44th president, I decided it was time to consult the masses. Foremost, I asked Junior Jacob Wendt. He had the quick and decisive answer, “…Double Obama.” Senior Madi Moore had a similar response stating, “The Double Obama Theory.” At this point, it was as clear as air; Obama’s last name is Obama. 

Seeing as how the world could decide on the last name of Obama, the human race has nowhere left to go. The greatest question that we have been searching for since 2008, has finally reached a common consensus. As for myself, I hope to one day meet Obama and truly find out if his last name is the same as his first.