Top Five Coronavirus Theories


Luke Gunter, Tinfoil Hat Man

In the past few months, our lives have changed drastically. For some of us, we went from being social with friends, to having no social life at all. For others, we went from never interacting with anyone, to having an excuse not to. This problem has stemmed from one factor alone: the Coronavirus. 


Many reports have traced the origin of the Coronavirus to be from bats, however, I have seen the truth. Long story short, you should trust me more than any of these so-called “scientists.” Here are my top five Coronavirus theories:

#5: It was created by the video game industry

Quarantine has kept many people inside with nothing much to do. Work and school can be completed faster leading to many more hours of freetime. Usually, people find a hobby, but the easiest way to spend this freetime is to play video games. This is precisely why the video game industry created the Coronavirus. So, with people in quarantine with more free-time, more games can be bought. All of this just to fill the video game industry’s pixel-lined pockets. 

#4: It was created by the bean industry

Now that school lunches are out of the picture because kids can’t go to school, home lunches have become a must. And what exactly is the cheapest and easiest lunch to make? That’s right, beans. You may think this a coincidence, but you would be wrong. This whole pandemic was carefully constructed by the bean industry. All just to fill their yummy and bean-lined pockets.

#3: You have to wake up. You’ve been in a coma for twenty years. Please wake up.

We don’t know when you’ll receive this, but you’ll hopefully see this message sometime soon. We miss you. Your brothers and sisters have been waiting too long. Wake up. This whole pandemic, quarantine, even the Coronavirus itself is just a figment of your imagination. All just to fill your coma-lined pockets.

#2: Lumberjacks created it

With the threat of having to stay indoors for weeks at a time, we have all taken a mad rush at buying as many essential items as we can. This includes and is not limited to toilet paper. In fact, toilet paper has been one of the items people have fought over the most, leading to a high demand in the product. But what exactly is toilet paper made of? Paper. And where does paper come from? Trees. And which poor souls have to cut down trees? Lumberjacks. Surely, lumberjacks created the Coronavirus because they were losing their jobs. Now, since more paper is needed, lumberjacks can make more money than ever before. All just to fill their flannel-lined pockets.

#1: It is caused by 5G towers

No doubt about it, 5G towers have caused the Coronavi- wait, who’s actually going to believe this. Even the other theories were just wild stretches of the imagination, but this is too much. People actually believe this and are even setting the towers on fire. Well, I guess comedy writes itself. All just to fill their fire-lined pockets.

And there you have it, folks. The top five Coronavirus theories. Now excuse me while I go spread the word in densely packed places. Stay safe out there.