Fix your country with the Flex family products


Clay Petersen, Political analyst

America has never been more divided. The wage gap is higher than Colorado, and social media has the potential to turn anyone into a public enemy.  National movements are coming from left, right and center–BLM and the Me Too Movement, just to name a couple. It seems as though one has a mere two choices on whom they want for president. Joseph Robinette Biden, Jr. a purebred politician who can’t seem to remember what he’s running for. Or Donald John Trump, a pumpkin dressed as a business man who would be unable to speak if you restricted his hands. I have my own proposal on a person who would not only be a perfect president for these here United States, but who would also SEAL this country’s fate as a global powerhouse. And if necessary, do Alotta Damage. A man who could TAPE up the metaphorical boat that is America.  

Phil Swift has been in the game since the 70s. He and his brother Alan created Swift Response LLC, and have been killing the heavy-duty adhesion business ever since. Far from a young buck, Phil would still be on the younger side in terms of presidents at age 59. His business outlook would be exactly what America needs right now. 

 My previous statement may not be true, however. It has been reported that Mr. Swift was born “in the heart of a dying star in the Andromeda galaxy during the creation of the Milky Way.” And he has “titanium-hard muscles.” Apparently, he fell to Earth on August 6, 1944, which leveled Hiroshima in Japan moments before the nuclear bomb was dropped. He also fought in the Vietnam War, during which he killed 100k people with his bare hands and “created a super-strong adhesive with a mixture of his own celestial blood and tree sap” to treat “severed arteries.”  Believe what you want, but I think a celestial being for president is a pretty good idea.

Sir Swift is also controversy-free! In the past decade, there hasn’t been a single allegation or lawsuit against him; that is much more than one can say about either of our presidential candidates. In the past year, there have been upwards of 20 allegations for sexual assault for these two.

That’s not to say that–if threatened–Phil couldn’t fight back. As we’ve seen time and time again, he is capable of mass destruction. For example, in one of his more popular videos, Phil stabs a bucket repeatedly with a large knife. Then, he takes a chainsaw to the bucket! Who is to say Mr. Swift couldn’t do this to China or North Korea? All I’m saying is that Phil holds great power, and given the opportunity, he could probably end the world without batting an eye.

There is already an online petition for Phil to run for president. While it may be too late for 2020, If we start voting now, they may have counted our votes by 2024! The current goal on the Phil Swift E-petition is 100 votes, and I am confident that with the help of all of you readers we could get at least 6-7 more!

So, are you prepared to flex tape your country back together? And vote America’s new Marilyn Monroe into office?  With the power of flex-seal, we can fix anything! And with the power of Phil Swift’s titanium-hard muscles and his cat-like avoidance to trouble, we can do anything!