Aries

You are the epitome of low self-esteem. Stop being so hard on yourself. The worse you treat yourself, the harder life is going to be on you. Don’t let life smack you around. Learn to accept yourself as who you are. Shake those dark thoughts off and get to work.

Taurus

We may as well be straight up with you, nobody likes you. It’s just plain fact. You would have to be an idiot not to notice it, which you obviously are. Anyway have fun knowing that you can’t trust anyone. And yes, whenever you walk away your “friends” start talking about you behind your back (just to clear up your suspicions).

Gemini

Your plan to ruin everyone’s week has finally come into play. You can now start phase 1: destroying Libra season. Something in the stars needs you to wreck everyone else’s week, whether you want to or not. Don’t let this opportunity slip by. For once, you can get away with your old tricks and blame it on the cosmos instead of that wretched personality you carry around.

Cancer

This is not your week. Nothing inherently terrible is going to happen, but nothing good will either. Enjoy your boring life.

Leo

After a month of nothing but sorrow, you are finally allowed a good week. It would be a shame if your egotistical, narcissistic personality got in the way. Don’t mess this up.

Virgo

Ah well, you had your fun. This week, a tragedy will strike. Somethings tells us you knew this was sneaking up on you. And just because you are “that guy” you didn’t prepare for it either. Brace yourself and we’ll see if you survive the week.

Libra

Finally, a good week. Forget about the rainy days and relax as everlasting comfort takes over. Enjoy this week the best you can. Maybe share your good fortune with others. Gemini seems lonely, give them a call!

Scorpio

You need some sleep, seriously. Don’t waste your time reading this. You’re exhausted, get some rest.

Sagittarius

This week, you are going to run into some good fortune. However, as you are not our most favorite sign, we’re not going to tell you when it’s going to happen. Or why. Good luck.

Capricorn

You’re getting ahead of yourself. Having one good week doesn’t mean your life is going to be perfect from now on. Your improvements in life have made you overthink everything. Old habits die hard. Slow yourself down and find a way to create a middle ground. Otherwise, you’re going to slip back into your old sleepless, nutrition-less habits.

Aquarius

Let’s be honest, nobody remembers that you exist. Nobody even knows you. You’re that person who everyone walks past in the hallways without even saying hello. Nobody knows your name ethier, must be sad living that life. There’s no advice for you this week. Just informing you that even we don’t care.

Pisces

Well, it seems as if you picked up your slack. You’re on the right path to victory, just don’t mess this up. You probably will, but don’t worry, your ego will reassure you. As your confidence comforts you, know your peers are disappointed enough for the both of you.